Life: Idiotropic

A computer would be better as I am freer to be prolific when typing, but that is sitting in a box in our van while we swelter in a third floor apartment listening to the cascading water of the pool and snatches of unintelligible conversations from other open windows thinking if we’re hot here in Paris, oh, we’ll absolutely DIE in Spain.

This morning we played a symphony out of sync, bodies in motion anxious and hurried while emotions clung to minutes drug out, held on by thread, suspended in time for as long as we could hold on. Kirk was up at 5 to load the truck and van, fuel them and clean them for our drive. I arranged the odds and ends lying about, packed a few more things, and got the girls together. We were at Tinny’s by 9. It felt strange pulling up in front of her house instead of pulling down our driveway. Three large trucks were already parked outside what was our house just a day before unloading furniture and boxes for the new tenant. It’s too fast I wanted to drive away with the illusion that our empty house would remain that way, ours and empty, waiting for our return.

Tinny had her tiny kitchen table turned around and expanded set with her best china with pink roses. She made fresh coffee and set out prepared plates of schinkenwurst, ham, broetchen and sliced bread, cheese, and 4 donuts - just for the girls. It felt too formal. Nice, but I prefer the impromptu unset snacks when time stood still. This morning Tiara and I sat picking at our food, eating, but teary. It’s hard to eat while crying. The girls talked together in English and Tinny just listed, as she normally does, absorbing it and seeming to hold onto those moments, the last time we’d frustuck together for a while. I showed her photos I’m putting into an album for her. That broke the sadness long enough for some smiles and laughter.

I’ve been hearing about the guest book for the last week. So we pulled the patio table and chairs into the garden where the children played so we could sit together and I could sign. Tiara sat on the bench alone waiting for Charlotte and Gabby. I made the little girls sign the book first dreading my turn to put pen to paper.

This is easy. I can ramble on more that you’d care to read. But I hate signing cards. No matter what the occasion. And a guest book - this guest book - it’s just too hard. Her family translates the English words written on the right side, types them for her, then glues it onto the book onto the left side of each page.

Lump in throat. Searching to find the words that can somehow quantify what Tinny has meant for our family here. Teardrops on the pages as I write. Tante plays with the girls, then we talk. Avoidance. Smiling, talking about the girls and how big they are. Can’t say in German now exactly what I’d like to say, to express the gratitude, the feeling of closeness, the feeling of family.

Tiara’s friends have come, Charlotte with a flat tire and broken sunglasses. They’re on one last walk by the windmills, but don’t take any pictures. They’re quiet too now. Sitting together. Talking a little. Picking at the grass.

Kirk is ready. The girls are oblivious to good-bye. But. I’m not ready. Tiara’s not ready. Please. Not yet.

But it’s time, so we go trying to be strong, then falling apart for that last hug. Tante and I are crying, hugging, trying to smile, crying more and hugging more. “Ich liebe Dich, Tante.” It’s all I can say, but I know she understands all that means. She always did even when I spoke no German. Somehow we could look at each other and understand. She hugs the girls and me again. Charlotte and Gabby are crying on the sidewalk next to Tante. Tante’s crying. Tiara and I are crying. Kirk pulls away in his truck and we have to follow. Can’t look back though Tiara and I both want to. We sob all the way down the 221 to the autobahn.

“Do you want to put on some music, Tiara? The Fray?”

She won’t put on the songs she likes. She doesn’t want her favorite songs to be associated with this sad moment. We finally chose Jim Brickman’s By Heart album and sob all the way to the border.

Belgium and France aren’t the same. We didn’t live there. It’s easier now driving through these countries where we aren’t leaving so much behind. Stopping once for gas, once for snacks, stuck in traffic that ends up being slow only for something on the other side of the highway - a turned semi that backs up traffic on the other side for miles in the hot sun. 10.40 toll in France.

We drove through Emanonville - a absolutely beautiful town with a chateau and old statues - in France north of Paris on the way to Serris. I want to go back there. It was killing me to be there and not have even 30 seconds to stop for a photo or two.

The girls didn’t know about Disney - the little ones at least. Tiara looked at my calendar and found out weeks ago. I drove by about 6 large Mickey Mouse signs without Elise noticing one. Kirk didn’t have as much luck in his truck. Both girls saw them and figured it out.

Our hotel in Serris is old, but nice and has Disney tickets and a free shuttle, so that made it all easy. Misha was happy to be in a small place where she couldn’t get lost. We rested a bit then walked to one of Europe’s largest shopping malls to the Place al Toscane for a dinner that I cooked. Ordered Korean BBQ hoping for something along the lines of the Bulgoki we got in OKC, and got a couple small plates of veggies and sauces and three large plates of raw meat. Huh. Not what I’d envisioned. After a long drive on a hot emotional day, I really didn’t want to sit on the patio of a nice restaurant and cook my family’s meal. We did wait a bit... hoping we were wrong, but no. I stood up and cooked up the girl’s chicken and steak while Kirk ate, then he finished cooking so I could eat. Finished up with ice cream from a stand. French vanilla that wanted to be French vanilla but wasn’t quite there and cappuccino that was a cup of coffee on a cone - delicious.

Hot and tired. Emotionally drained. 11pm and Kirk and Elise are the only ones sleeping. The rest finally sleep and I listen to a baby screaming across the complex for half the night.

Photos: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=126229&id=674507268&l=5cf91330b9

My last full day in Germany wasn't spent drinking wine and hugging friends. It was mostly errands around the base and in town. Snapping just a few more photos, then settling in to pack and prepare for the days ahead.

I didn't even get a chance to see Tante Tinny which was profoundly sad, but may be spared us a few moments of sadness.

We did make one last run for some good German ice cream at a place with an entire menu of spaghetti eis. They were out of their chocolate spaghetti eis, so I got this one without the "noodles," but with chocolate ice cream, lots of fresh strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and red currants, and white chocolate flakes (the parmesan cheese). Delicious and filling. I'll miss berries in Spain. Who am I kidding... I'll miss this all.

Both Thursday and Friday the packers were at our house from early to late working, packing, and loading these two big trucks full of almost everything that I own - everything in our house.

It only took two days. The weekend was spent cleaning and sorting the random things left over - cleaning supplies, odds and ends.

Today I walked through my house for the last time. Seeing it as I did the day I moved in, empty and echoing. Before excited about decorating and filling a new home. Now in tears remembering all the wonderful times we've had there. It's not just a house. It's a community. It's a neighborhood with wonderful German neighbors who have accepted us and welcomed us. It's Tinny who I can't look at without tearing up.

In 36 hours now I'm driving to Paris. List of errands tomorrow includes buying Kleenex. My throat hurts just thinking about it.

Sunny and blue. Light breeze. Clouds over, light rain. Then sunny and blue again.

This is Kirmes weekend - my last sadly. So I've watched faithfully with camera poised as the parade passes by. Each year the same list of characters in their feathered hats march by. This year they all seem a bit more jovial. Laughing more, smiling, talking amongst their friends lining the street to watch the tradition continue. Tiara peers from the office window to catch sight of the queen just to see the dress she's wearing. The littles sit on the window ledge impressed by the real "queen and king" as if they were just as important as any other international royalty.

The music plays. There are some new band members - younger ones, shorter than the rest, but playing with just as much gusto.

Tante entertains the family with kuchen. An aprikosen fladen and a marzipan kuchen from the Becher bakerei and an erdbeer kuchen she baked herself. A goblet of whipped cream and plain German coffee - a little bitter for my taste, but good with cake and who could refuse Tante?

Kurt in his best clothes still carrying his cigar - as much a part of him as his right hand, I think. A permanent fixture like a teacher with her coffee mug. He puffs and smiles. 74 and still going.

Marita shows me the black paper invitations she's hand written in gold ink. 24 Juni. Her 70's birthday party will be a "Ladies Night" at the new Mercatur Hotel. She shows me asking if it looks nice. And so sad that I won't be here to join them. Ist slim. Ya. Ist immer slim. Moving is difficult on all sides.

The house is oddly quiet. 1 and 3 have left for sleepovers with friends. Luci went through multiple hugs and kisses before leaving. Arianna's at a friends house for the afternoon. Just Elise and us and a pot of minestrone soup. A moment of rest before I pack and clean once more.

And then just one more piece of cake with this lady who means so much to us. The girls have brot mit buter then go and play. And we talk and talk. My broken German is enough. And we laugh until our eyes water - a little jovial, a little sad. Her smile is infectious. Work will wait. Time stops in these moments. We'll cling to these special moments keeping them fresh in our minds even when we're countries apart.

My littlest girl graduated today from her pre-k program at the International Preschool here. She and her friends danced and sung for about 40 minutes before breaking for food and cake and playtime with friends. She absolutely glowed, smiling her biggest dimpled smile, waving at me during the songs, and watching for the faces of all her family members in the audience - quite the ham.

Next year she'll start grade 1 at the British school in Valencia. Such a big girl. I don't know who will cry more - her or me. She's still my koala.

On Monday we finally got out official orders. We should be on the road in 13 days. It was Monday that it become horribly real and harder to breathe. Excitement will find me in Spain. Now it's just loss and stress, dropping things of the list of "want to do" and throwing myself at the list of "need to do."

Seems "catch-up" is the game I'm destined to play. And here too. Have some beautiful photos from the last week or two. Will post as I have time - when I can once again breathe without the weight of this move holding me down.

Tomorrow I will add the photo - not a great photo as it was taken in a rush, but a photo nonetheless of a bird - a real, live, wild bird... IN MY HOUSE.

Because somehow it got in, possibly because I forgot to latch the window yesterday after jumping through it and so in the night the wind blew it open and it stayed open - wide open - all night. And I have no idea where bird was hiding all morning as all 5 of us girls scurried around the house loudly.

I think it was waiting for some peace. Arianna and Luci had gone. Elise and I were on our way out the door. Tiara had just reached for the key to open the front door. And from the slauchthaus, I heard the blood curdling scream followed by hysterical crying and the approaching pounding of feet. "A bird!!!" Tiara yells red faced and panicked. I didn't see her again. She went out the back of the house refusing to come back in while I went inside with Elise to figure out what to do.

I rounded the corner from the dining room to look upstairs and there it sat - right where Misha usually sits on the top step near the playroom just as if he belonged there. A moment later he flew into the playroom - great choice for me because it has the lowest ceilings in the whole house.

The bird chase probably only lasted about 5 minutes. It flew to each high point, then crouched down in a corner under the heater. I opened the window wide for it to fly out and tried to push it gently with an old puzzle board. So it flew up to the wrong side of the window and kept flying into it. Tiara was watching from the bus stop.

The poor thing was terrified. Elise was worried, but cheering me on. I was worried I'd be stuck there all day chasing a bird around my house.

Then he flew into our children's pie cabinet and hid behind the curtain. Cornered. So I grabbed a hand towel, reached in, picked him up, talked to him a second because I'd never held a wild bird like that and he was so beautiful with bright blue eyes, and then set him on the outside ledge of our window and watched him fly off into the closest tree. Poor guy. I think he's scarred for life.

When Tiara got home she asked me if I saw whether it was a girl or a boy. "No, why???!?!"

"If it was a girl, she could have built a nest and laid eggs!"

My other three all cheered and hugged me and thanked me for "saving the bird." It's probably good the middles weren't home. They would have wanted to keep it.

And... in other news, the first grade had their Vocabulary Parade today where they dressed up as their word, made a poster, and told the word and definition into the microphone on stage. Luci chose "habitat" and dressed like the Arctic tundra pulling a block of "ice" behind her with a polar bear and three penguins.

The girls had Sports Day today and competed in a bunch of different activities to the pretty cool to the fairly lame. I mean, truly, there is nothing graceful about running with a blue rubber chicken between your legs and one of the races did just that. After a while, the "running with various objects between your legs" contests get old and you just need another sport. The tug 'o war was fun and the long jump. Arianna is a really good runner - athletic all around, really, she does well at everything. Luci's a bit more dainty about sports, but still does a good job. And Elise just gives her all to everything quite proud of herself helping Arianna with the tug 'o war. AND... yearbooks went out TODAY! Which means it's OVER!

The days run together now in a ghostly blur now with so little time before we go, so instead of being my normal verbose self, I'll keep these short and let the photos speak for themselves.

This morning we spent in conversation at Funda's house learning to make her version of Kisir which is a bit spicier than Senay's. She also served Turkish coffee, tea, fresh strawberries, manti with yogurt sauce, a sweet pastry with nuts, and a break filled with potatoes. Delicious. Funda has travelled extensively and has lived in Naples, so her home is a reflexion of Europe with pottery, glass, and furniture from all over. It's beautiful.

Our evening was spent talking, laughing, and saying goodbyes amongst our IWC board members at Interni. My Italian friends surprised me with two beautiful bags from Lori's collection which meant even more since they are from a friend. I feel so blessed to have been a part of this. The women that I worked with on the board are all such amazing people. We've accomplished a lot together.

Made these with a friend today... love them. I'd forgotten how easy they are to make.

I essentially used the Joy of Cooking recipe, though when I make them again, I won't do the raspberry ones. Those are just too sweet for me, but I like the tartness of the apricot. Next time I'll make a poppy seed filling (crushed poppy seeds with a bit of sugar and may be a bit of white wine), and use that in some with or without the apricot. I think a nice mixture of chopped nuts (like a baklava nut mix) would be delicious as well.

The dough is extremely easy to work with though and takes little effort. Just make sure you chill it at least an hour. Sooner and you'll have cracking dough (which is what happened with my first batch). Thankfully, the ugly ones taste just as good.

With 30 days until our move, we all have our "lists." Lists of things to do, things to pack, things to toss, things so see, places to go...

On my littles' list was the Valkenier, a small amusement park in The Netherlands that caters entirely to little people. Not my cup of tea really - I love roller coasters and big rides, but don't like the crowds. Still, we had fun anyway and enjoyed some time just to play. It is nice when even Elise, my youngest, can go on every single ride. Their favorites were too many to count, but the clear winner was the roller coaster of apples with a decent drop that made it fun even for me. The haunted house was funny - not scary, but the kids liked it anyway. And the water slide was a hit though the lines were not worth the 5 second thrill. They left without complaint at the end of the day knowing they wouldn't be back, but we'll find something even more fun in Spain.

When I got back, we heard the tractors for a while. Since Friday there's been a fairly consistent stream of antique tractors driving to and fro along the B56 in front of our house. On Friday I'd lost count at 6 old tractors towing campers. Today I saw 3, but at least 10 more old tractors. Yesterday we saw a tractor hauling a long trailer full of people sitting around a narrow table set with beer. It's odd, but it amuses me to see just how many uses for an old tractor these people can come up with. I've seen them as tow trucks, carnival floats... it's endless. So, here's my theory. This place where I live is actually tractor heaven. Really. All the good tractors come here when they "die" knowing that they will be continually cared for, driven, and partied in for all time. Can't plow a field? It's OK. If you can haul a few bags of helium balloons, then all is well.

Random photos from the last week:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=116219&id=674507268&l=b4f74028a6

Photos from Monday:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=116583&id=674507268&l=ba0c3bf6c7