Life: Idiotropic

If you don't want to read the rantings of the quasi insane or the extreme overuse of the pronoun "I," then stop here. Don't read any further. It is just venting. Mindless frustration in orthographical form. I try to keep my delirium from this blog, but I need to vent.

Today was Elise's definitively last day of German school - ever. And Laurim's birthday party. Two German experiences neatly packaged into one day.

I made cupcakes last night, wrapped some nice gifts for the classroom, and had goodie bags with notes ready to pass out to all the children.

Elise was excited to hand out the gifts, but cried when I left. Good. I needed her to cry to remind me that I was making the right decision about ending our German school experience.

When I dropped her off, Dave's mom (who's always been very nice, but speaks minimal English - really) asked me if it was Elise' last day and looked genuinely sad when I told her that Elise wouldn't be returning. She'd hoped that Elise and Dave would start school together in two years. She told me that I really must stop at her home and have coffee with her. That's the first invitation I've ever received from a mom to be social. I reciprocated the offer and I will follow up. She, I think, honestly cares.

Then there's the others.

This year has been hard. Really hard. Hard on Elise. Hard on me. I went into that school from day one speaking German. Now, it's bad German - horribly infantile German, but it's German. I haven't expected them to speak English and I've muddled through. After all, I am in their country and I need to try. Parents spoke German to me. Teachers spoke German to me. I kind of assumed (wrongly so) that they didn't speak English. And that's ok. I was ok with that. When I couldn't express myself because the language impaired me, I didn't switch to English, I just let it go. It was obvious that there was a break in conversation. They heard the sigh of frustration and the "never mind." I walked away so many times frustrated and defeated just because I lacked the words to say what I needed to say. But, I kept trying. I kept speaking. Day after day we went. They'd send notes home and I'd read them. They'd post notes on the doors and I'd stand there for long minutes trying to decipher them. No one stopped to help. But that was ok.

I know that Germans can be slow to warm up. That's ok too. I get it.

So, this whole year Elise and I have been going through this experience doing our best. And then the week before Elise birthday party just last month a woman I've seen the entire year looked at me and asked me a question, in very clear English, about the party. So, after nine months, I learn that she has lived in England and speaks excellent English. At Elise' party, I meet a father who also speaks absolutely beautiful English and he speaks in English the entire time, quite cheerfully too.

Two weeks ago at the Schutzenfest, this tall father speaks to me at first auf Deutch, then says one sentence in English before switching back to German. I was shocked. Had no idea. Before it was just an occasional "hallo."

And today. Oh today. Today was like a slap in the face. Really. I'd come to the realization last week that probably one of the key factors in Elise' experience was my experience. That school wasn't just school, but a community and a circle of friends. At the International Preschool where English is the predominant language, even with the Italians, it is easier to make those friendships not only with the children, but with the mothers. We all live in separate villages, but we can get together outside of school and our children can nurture those friendships. Elise has needed that here too. She's wanted that. But as much as I've tried, I've been an outsider and haven't been able to connect with the mother's there. We've been cordial, but not enough to allow for play times or social events outside of school - and we're all neighbors. So I've felt bad. Felt like I failed Elise a little because I wasn't able to hold up my end of it. Wasn't able to connect enough to make those connections for her.

So, with all that - to pick up Elise today and hear all these mothers in their sweetest voices tell me IN ENGLISH how sorry they are to see Elise go just killed me. NOW??? Now is too late. We needed the warmth a couple months ago. And I needed to hear English - just a little - a couple months ago. If they couldn't speak it, fine. But when they can? Even a little helps.

And today at the birthday party, the tall father who'd muttered only a sentence before walks over and begins a full conversation in English almost without accent. And a woman walks up and joins in and we are all standing there speaking together. And they are friendly and warm. And we can communicate. And I'm thinking, why now? And why couldn't I have known sooner. Because I certainly didn't know them well enough relying on my pitiful German skills. And they certainly didn't know me. I was this ignorant sounding frau without a personality. How can you have a personality when you are stumbling over words?

And I asked this lady how her English was so perfect. "I work on the base, so I must speak English well." And so I asked her, "Why am I just learning that so many of you speak English?" And she replied, "Well, if we speak English to you, then how are you going to learn German?"

And I felt winded. Like she'd just punched me - hard. So they've listened to me struggle the entire year understanding and not saying anything - not even once - to help.

I am not an American who doesn't try. I'm not one who moves here expecting American and expecting people to speak English to me. I do try. But, I speak Spanish. A third language is hard. And, I have four children. The time for classes and study is nonexistent. But they don't know that because they don't know me. They've just decided with no information that I somehow need to learn and by not helping me at all, that they are somehow helping me. Americans move so much - should we learn every language when we land? No. Please, thank you, numbers... the things we need. That is reasonable.

So, this birthday party after 10 months of school was the first non-school thing that Elise has been invited to and we were happy to go. It was at the Hay Hotel and Elise had a fantastic time playing games on the playground, feeding a baby cow, seeing bunnies, and playing in the hay. She loved every minute of it and I'm sad for her that this is over. She will miss her friends and she will miss the German school, but I know that we've made the right decision. Next year she'll go to the International Preschool where she'll learn her letters and numbers, where she'll be prepared for an American kindergarten class, and where I can communicate with the parents and she can play with her friends.